Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”