“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.