HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.