Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.