Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.