Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.