Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“What movie?” 🤔
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.