I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Hot Hot Hot
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.