Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport