The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore