3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.