*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
You Might Also Like
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.