can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.