My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Every. Damn. Time.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Nothing to do, you say?