We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread