I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.