everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
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NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework