walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am