It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
You Might Also Like
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.