I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Good morning!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Ummm
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity