Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive