me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
twitter users today:
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…