the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa