[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.