Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.