I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
“you recording!?”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face