crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without