Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’m confused about plants
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.