friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.