This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I WON A HAM TODAY
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
it be like that
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep