Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Banking tips
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.