DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Doggies just call it style.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
socratic questions
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.