The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.