A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
*mops up wine with cat*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Banana is the quietest snack
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
finally
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
pat pat
Girl, same.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Cats (2019)
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.