Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*