AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries