I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.