[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
tinder is all about the long game
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Doggies just call it style.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches