Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
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Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My dating profile:
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
😲 WTF? 😆
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?