a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
A duv-egg? In this economy?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Noah
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
According to math, I’m broke
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.