I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.