COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I didn’t realize that was an option
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this