I know karate and tons of other words.
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72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.