My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.