The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Me: Mark from Boston, you鈥檙e on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let鈥檚 take another call.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I鈥檇 take a bullet for anyone
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don鈥檛 want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Pretty sure my day can鈥檛 get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I鈥檓 left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I am using the Netflix account of my
鈥ittle sister’s
鈥rom date’s
鈥x girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.