Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Dead
Alive
Other✔
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Why am I like this?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground