Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!