Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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called in thicc to work this morning
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady