(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.