Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Guys, I found it.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”